Feeling the struggle in surpressing those triggers lately..well perhaps for quite a long time, I’ve been doing pretty fine in fighting them. But the moment I let my guard down, it starts coming back to me all at once. Those evil thoughts that once drowned me. I won once, but why am I losing again?
I found out how good I am in avoiding them n pretending everything s okay. I’m not surprised since I’m well-trained my whole life. It has always been a difficult decision to make, between expressing my feelings and surpressing it. Most times, I choose the latter. It’s easier and I don’t need to deal with the whys.
Hmm.I realise everytime I blog when I’m feeling lost, I sound like a nut. I’m really not. I’ve been thru feeling like one. But I know I’m way past that. For now. Honestly I assume I’m the only one who reads this. Because who would actually bear sitting through the entire boring deep posts. Time could be better spent on smtg else.
Isn’t it amusing.. I can imagine different type of ppl s reactions to such stuff. Some pp are just not born to understand nor empathize. Perhaps only those who went through it. Others are sensitive enough to imagine the struggle. Although I ve always wish I’m the type who won’t understand, because that would mean I won’t be bothered by emotional up n downturns. And everything would be A-matter-of-fact.
Last week, I talked to someone who seen me through my worst times. We reminded me of how much I ve changed. I musnt forget how impossible it seemed but I fought hard enough. I have to be strong. Even if I have to deal with this my whole life, I will make it.
