TGIF!

happy TGIF! yes i realised it’s been a long while since i blogged.. damn i need to get back the habit, since ive been feeling emotionally challenged lately.. blogging ll help me sort out my thoughts.

nothing much changed since the last post..except i came bk from an awesome holiday in the land of smiles! (yes. thailand again, and yes khao lak, phuket n krabi again!) this time with my parents and my Mr Ho.

was so happy to see the kids, so beautiful and so adorable. hugged n kissed as much as i could..  just wish i could pack a few of them in my luggage and bring them back! then again.. i dun want them to suffer in this horrible place..so probably not..

as usual, khao lak was amazing, the hotel we stayed in, was incredible! near the beach and the apartment was soooooooo nice! a 1-room apartment.. how i wish it’s my home! the gym, the pool, the breakfast… awwww..  really enjoyed myself..

went down to krabi after a couple of days with the kids.. was really glad to be back there too. missed my krabi friends, those besties who took pretty good care of me when i was a wandering soul there! haha. one of the babes actually opened a restaurant at Ao Nang with her bf.. isn’t that cool! another of my long time fantasy.. owner of a restaurant in a foreign land.. happy for her!

me and Mr Ho climbed up the 1,237 steps of the Tiger Cave Temple! my 6th time i think! his first, and i was so happy to see his satisfaction when we reached! the feeling’s amazing.. we climbed like hell, perspired like mad, but once we reach the last step.. after 40mins i think? wow..the view’s so beautifuL!

okay.. it’s obvious im kinda summarizing the trip.. i ll put photos then, to “elaborate” more.

really had an enjoyable trip! oh ya, did i mention, we rented a car, and Mr Ho was the guest driver who took us from Phuket to Khao Lak to Krabi! was sooo fun! parents and us went our separate ways after khao lak though.

the beaches… aww.. the foood… awww. i miss thailand again! hahaa. (yes, I realised i repeat the same thing every 3-4posts. i apologise for my obsession but i do really love the place.)

photos time! (more on facebook!)

trust me, trust me not.

i have trust issues. i don’t trust people, i don’t trust life, i dont’ trust promises, i don’t trust words, i don’t trust actions, i don’t trust me.

i suppose where there is human and life involved, i have no trust in certainty, because life is uncertain by default. nobody knows nor can foretell the future, thus there’s nothing that is for sure, thus everything changes, thus if you have expectations that certain things will go your way, or will “happen like this”, you have to be very prepared to be wrong.

i dont know how my mind’s wired, but i think ive gone through enough to be cynical about life. a girl who believed in fairy tales and good things will happen to good people, somehow got brainwashed and decided it’s better to be practical. haha.

how good can people be, in difficult situations or when faced with temptations? we ain’t no angels, but humans. although i hate it when ppl use “we are born to make mistakes” to justify their wants and desires, or when they commit “calculated sins”.

in the end, it’s easier to trust no one, so we won’t be disappointed. but still i can never convince myself to not give others a 100% trust before they prove me wrong. i guess afterall, the little innocent girl oblivious to the evil world hasn’t really died in me.

A not-so-gentle reminder

Feeling the struggle in surpressing those triggers lately..well perhaps for quite a long time, I’ve been doing pretty fine in fighting them. But the moment I let my guard down, it starts coming back to me all at once. Those evil thoughts that once drowned me. I won once, but why am I losing again?

I found out how good I am in avoiding them n pretending everything s okay. I’m not surprised since I’m well-trained my whole life. It has always been a difficult decision to make, between expressing my feelings and surpressing it. Most times, I choose the latter. It’s easier and I don’t need to deal with the whys.

Hmm.I realise everytime I blog when I’m feeling lost, I sound like a nut. I’m really not. I’ve been thru feeling like one. But I know I’m way past that. For now. Honestly I assume I’m the only one who reads this. Because who would actually bear sitting through the entire boring deep posts. Time could be better spent on smtg else.

Isn’t it amusing.. I can imagine different type of ppl s reactions to such stuff. Some pp are just not born to understand nor empathize. Perhaps only those who went through it. Others are sensitive enough to imagine the struggle. Although I ve always wish I’m the type who won’t understand, because that would mean I won’t be bothered by emotional up n downturns. And everything would be A-matter-of-fact.

Last week, I talked to someone who seen me through my worst times. We reminded me of how much I ve changed. I musnt forget how impossible it seemed but I fought hard enough. I have to be strong. Even if I have to deal with this my whole life, I will make it.

Caffeined induced (of caffeine withdrawal) thoughts.

Think I’ve just graduated as a caffeine addict. I realised having too much caffeine results in many random distorted thoughts.
Things that matter and things that don’t matter pop in and out of my head. Well, it s not really a tough thing since my mind’s wired this way, with or without caffeine. But probably something’s not right lately. Losing motivation and fairy-tale hopes that I gained sometime ago.
Everything about life seems to be a challenge now. I know we r supposed to take on them to grow, life s supposed to be hard by default. But, I’m sure it’s supposed to be a bit easier or at least smooth with tough times once a while. Or is it me. Like they skipped a step and didn’t challenge-proof my mind when I was born, just to see the difference.
Or maybe I’m just a person who thinks a lot and thinks too deep. Way too deep. I can read into things, have right intuition about things, expect things which proves me right in the end. Most times I keep it inside just hoping I’m not right eventually. Well of course I’m not always right, but that s a few rare cases, and I get a perverse sense of happiness and hope when my intuition s proven wrong. How sick is that.

Oh well, perhaps I need to retune my expectations n wants. But really I don’t think I expect that much from life or people. Just some meaning and simplicity will do. When you experience the joy and peace in simplicity, everything superficialends up being a turn off. I don’t know if it s a blessing or otherwise to have experienced it bcos it s really quite hard to survive in a complicated environment.

Everything wil be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, it’s not the end.

lunch time thoughts

chee chiong fun for lunch..yumyum. 3 more days to payday, sigh. cant believe im starving for money. totally hate this feeling (yes, ive mentioned in a thousand times, just reinforcing).

i was just thinking about smtg. isn’t it amusing why some ppl think others treat them like crap, when their own actions are crap too. they say “do unto others what you want others to do unto u”. that sentence is one of those i live by. if u treat others like sh*t, dont expect others to treat you like a gem. simple as that.

hmm..a sudden thought. let’s list my motivation to come to work every morning.. money (duh), good cheap coffee across the street (yes, for a coffee slave like me, it’s very very important.)..to go to gym.. lack of politics (for now.).. ok, i think that’s it. oh god, that’s bad aint it. actually been experimenting with ideas..the ideas of doing own biz are coming bk… bringing in madeinthailand stuff here.. or perhaps a blogshop, but i need to find smtg unique.. imagine being able to wake up whatever time i want, sitting at a coffeeplace, working frm my laptop, go to gym anytime, swim when there’s sun.. oooo. damn. stop it.

flea fly flea

had quite a happening weekend…

fri night was fun.. right after work, mr ho n i chiong to jb, wanting to avoid the peak hour jam.. luckily not much cars since we went via 2nd link..

arrived at permas jaya ard 6plus7.. went2 makan lok lok!! i also dun understand what’s so fascinating about eating food on a stick, but it’s just fun. haha. the chilli sauce was good too! and then..the best part…durians! wohoooo.. craving for durians since forever.. besides the durians in mysia’s waaaay cheaper..  we had the mao shan wang with some friends.. yum yum..but it felt too little to me..haha.. endless tummy for durians. after satisfying our stomach, went bk n zzz with tv..

sat n sun.. we had our flea market at tampines.. i did it twice with my family in tamp a year ago..  kinda miss the feeling of “be your own boss” .. so decided we should give it a shot, and at the same time earn some allowance too. it was fun for sure! mr ho somehow became the soft toys IC.. lol.. i did the clothes n some japalang thingy.. we shared the space with grace n her lil sisters helpers, so it had quite a good atmosphere. i really like doing flea markets actually, the sitting around people-watching, selling your own stuff with pride, helping people save money in a way.. though definitely selling the stuff wayyyy cheaper than it actually cost. $2 for a $15 dress i bought? u must be kidding. but that’s what happens when price war starts there. anyway it’s 2nd hand and i m not planning to wear it anymore too.. just getting rid of stuff.

so many children around. really cutie pies stumbling about, attracted by the soft toys on sale, esp with someone like mr ho smiling at them and bribing with the soft toys.. i thought he looked abit like santa claus..lol (ops. sorry!) proud of my santa claus..ohya hor.. santas claus go “ho ho ho”..hehe..

sunday was a bad day..

went to east coast for some wind, sitting at the breakwater absorbing too much sea salt vapour (if there’s such a thing), walked from marine parade library to big splash.. when it started to drizzle.. not a good sign, when you are having a flea market in an hour’s time..

in the end, when we got there, it was drizzling too, but we still displayed half of our items cos i thought the clouds would pass. but nooooooo.. all of a sudden it started pouring! we were so kanchiong, hands over legs, legs over hands trying to keep the stuff and move it under shelter.. n waited for the rain to pass….with some of the clothes dirtied by the rain etc., i had to down the price somemore.. not too bad..sales started coming in, and it was more like wanting to get rid of the stuff at any price! haha.

rain stopped and we continued our business till closing time.. a fulfilling weekend with some extra cash to spare. yes!

 

save the world’s sad & helpless creatures

been a while.. nothing much at work..in fact, it’s really quite mentally tiring..bcos i do close-to-nothing all day.. feels very useless.. so i have to remind myself to think of the money instead.. gosh. u will be surprised how tiring that is!

anyways.. this week.. we watched The Cove on Wed cos i had free tix from ACRES..it’s for a ‘movement’ Save the World’s Saddest Dolphins..the 25 dolphins Resort World captured..

I watched bits of it before when it was first released.. but this time, sitting through the documentary with the scenes flashing right in front of me, hearing the dolphins’ cries.. my heart ached and broke. i’ve always despised pp who do unethical things for the sake of money, and pp who take advantage of the weak.. i seriously find them disgusting and a disgrace to human race.. i was so angry when i watched the show, i felt like throwing stuff at the screen..

scamming others to eat dolphin meat, bringing it into schools as compulsory meals..(pardon my language, but it’s a real fucked-up doing).. they are practically killing their own pp for money.. imagine their own children end up with mercury poisoning, (dammit, i can’t believe they never thought about that!)..

well i supposed one could always say the show is biased, siding the activists etc. true, but personally i never thought it’s a good idea to go against nature. animals are animals for a reason, some are born to be pets and others not.. 2ndly.. demand n supply.. if there is no commercial reason and publicity, there’s less demand, thus less supply, n thus less fucked up things happening to our world.

same rationale i use for being a vegetarian.. well i know i can’t save the earth by me alone being a vegetarian.. but at least i won’t contribute to the harm. if i eat ham & bacon for breakkie, 2chicken wings for lunch, bak kut teh for dinner.. that’s 4 animals killed for my food in a day.. multiply it by 365, that’s 1460 animals.. plus n minus.. i don’t think i can live with that thought.. if you see animals in their natural state, they are wonderful creatures..not meant to suffer in cages and live in anticipation of their death. id better stop my preaching. haha.

dolphins.. ive got a bro who’s a trainer.. n it’s a half half thing i feel about captivity.. though the stronger half leans towards freedom. ive experience freedom and i know that feeling is the most liberating and makes every thing worthwhile. if i can go where i want to, live life how i want to, stop when i want to, no rules, no master, no fear… it’s amazing.. the feeling i can tell u is awesome..

yes, perhaps there are cases where captured animals die after they are released into the wild, as they are unable to adapt n have lost their natural survival instincts..but i find this reason insufficient to justify their loss of freedom.

1. if we further encourage n glamorize captivity with zoos, animal sanctuaries etc. there will be more demand, n thus more supply needed. in the end, the cycle will never break, more animals lose their instincts, lose their natural beauty, lose their family, n the whole nature process is screwed up. all for the entertainment and “education” of humans.. how selfish.

2. if they are not captured and conditioned to a close environment, they would not face the issue of “inability to adapt” in the event they are released to nature. isn’t it sad to not know where u actually belong and are capable of doing?

3. if they are not protected like in zoos etc., they are open to danger in the wild. but that’s nature. it’s the circle of life. food chain n everything.. bcos of the danger, they develop their survival instincts.. all these are what is supposed to be.. so why do humans always interfere with nature for their own gain? if god exists, im sure he didn’t plan for zoos and animal entertainment really.

4. all these killing and imposing suffering encourage pp to think “they dont matter and are only animals”..it’s easy to apply the same degree of cruelty to their fellow beings too.. or perhaps one day animals would just attack humans and eat us up the same way, bcos “they dont matter and are only humans, stupid creatures blinded by money”.. haha that ll be quite a scene.

okay enough ramblings.. just my opinion. everyone’s entitled to their opinion, as long as it’s not against your conscience.

anyhow last night was quite gd. we went for a meditation session.. been a while since i meditated. remember i used to wake up 5.45 am to meditate before i went to college.. haha. well.. had quite a bit difficulty at first to focus since my mind is so used to running all over the place! but it got better.. after that was a very clear and light feeling.. felt like my mind did an “empty cache”.. but its funny bcos when u medtiate, ur mind is so clear n conscious that whatever bad feelings or fear one has, they starts to “attack”.. the feelings were overwhelming..did my best to overcome them..

should start the habit of meditating again.. good for spiritual health..n helps to sleep better too!

help help *yawn*

oh my god..this is really quite tough..trying my best to fight the zzz monster.

can’t help it, when i have already done all i’m supposed to, and  now waiting for time to pass.. 2.5 hr more…

Chee chiong gai hang-gai

of chee chiong gai n mee tai bak n chee chiong fun

had a weekend off to kl..a place i haven’t been to, for almost 7 yrs..
thinking about the time i lived there, that really seemed quite long ago.. it was fun though, being independent and all. i still remember my morning laps in the pool right below my “condo” hostel.

anyways..we took a Grassland coach, left beach rd at 7pm..
note: Their coaches are really quite ancient old, and not very well-maintained.. we both agree Sri Maju’s much better..
causeway was as usual “causeway”-like..slow and slow..

reached kl at abt 130am.. can u imagine at that time, traffic in kl town was crazy too..traffic jam..a bad one.. so we decided to alight first and walked our way to our hotel.
was fun..was about 20mins walk i think, before we reached chinatown aka petaling street aka chee chiong gai.. reminded me abit bout the times i spent backpacking in thailand..walking ard looking for hotel, except back then i had to hunt for one instead of looking for a booked one.
as i walk down chee chiong gai..memories flooded me.. little supper places, shops, the horrible pathways.. it’s still the same..
found our place finally…knocked out by 3-4am..

i was excited the next morning.. petaling street is happening from early morning till night! but we were quite tired, so lazed ard, n our early morning dim sum plan was kinda “void” (besides i realise i couldn’t find the 2 old dim sum stalls i used to go anymore!).
went to puduraya first to get our return coach tix..man i was sooooooo impressed…the old polluted run-down shabby bus terminal has been transformed to a new airconditioned, clean, organised, “airport-looking” building! to thought we used to think it’ll never change..
after that…MAKAN TIME!
most daytime stalls were out, so we walked around..and finally settled in a kopitiam.. one was i didn’t manage to find any good coffee in petaling st! can’t live without gd coffee. haha..

shopping time!
took the LRT, wanting to go to the bukit bintang area…
alighted at HangTua..supposedly transfer to another train service…but NoOOooooo… the train has to have some “operational” problem…and we had to wait an hour for the next train..
didn’t wanna wait of course, so once again, we had our walk down..

oh yes.. reached sungei wang..walked n walked n walked.. bought some stuff..then i brought mr ho to eat the teppanyaki that me and my family used to frequent years back on our kl holidays..
i was, on one hand, happy when i saw the restaurant, and on the other hand, amazed… how the heck it managed to stay in business for THIS long.
if im not wrong, it has been more than 8 yrs ago since i ate there, cos i remembered i wasn’t a vegetarian the last time. lol.
i think i was abit over excited the entire trip, blabbering a lot to mr ho abt “we used to come here to eat”, “this place is so familiar”, “this place never change”, “this happened last time”…lucky he’s a patient man.. haha.

more walking… till we decided we wanted to shop at petaling street instead..so after some more kueys, kaya balls, mobile van’s goreng pisang, etc. we headed back to our place again by foot! (mr ho’s legs were severely tortured i think..heehee)

oh yes, chinatown is THE place in after all. okay i have to admit every other stalls sell the same things..imitation, more imitation, and MORE imitaion gds.. mostly lv, gucci, coach, burberry for bags n wallets.. imitation jerseys, polo shirts..imitation watches..blah blah.. but it’s just really fun to walk and soak up the atmosphere!

reminds me of the stalls in patong.. minus the aggressive “sir, t-shirt for u”, “come and see, gd price for uuuuu”, “where you come from”, “come come”… haha.. i miss thailand!

oh yes, bought little bit here and there.. and the shopping ended at 11pm..was a real fulfilling day..enjoyed mak mak!

SUPPER! had mee tai bak, something i loved, but hard to find in spore.. he had the popular claypot porky lou she fan, i had veg soup lou she fan.. yumyum. then, sleep.

last day of any holiday sux. no matter how bad the place is, i hate last days.

breakfast.. AWESOME. one of my fav b/f fd. CHEEE CHIONG FUN! this stall we found, sell only their self-made chee chiong fun.. had it my way..soya sauce. yumyum.. we thought it tasted diff frm the ones here.. bit like kuey teow, chewy, soft, yet quite thick..

then…more walking n window shopping.. n coffee break..n walking..n coffee break..
A&W curly fries. heh. didn’t realise they still have any A&W existing in malaysia. but service was pathetic…7staff n 1person in queue..and it still took 15mins to curl the fries.

was gonna meet my cousin in 2 hours..so spent the time checking out the leftovers ard chinatown..

just as we were bout to get ready to leave, it started pouring like mad.. we sat at the restaurant, looking at the stalls carrying out the “rain-recovery” procedure.. cover the goods.. took out the broom n floor brush.. soap powder.. and started washing the floor around their stalls! that was quite a sight..
making use of the rain, and they weren’t going to have much biz anyway, so might as well! haha

met up with cousin..(once again, been 8 yrs since i saw him).. had porridge dinner.. did some catch-up.. didn’t manage to see his baby daughter though.. me n mr ho were looking forward~
he gave us a ride to the bus terminal… and…before i know it..we were on the bus…

bad bus..double deck..which i am fine with, but it was reeeeallly bumpy..with every bump, my head was swinging side to side, bobbing up and down.. haha..

had a gd trip, but now im back..dammit.
can’t wait for the next!